How do I regulate the behaviour of my wild and aggressive three-year-old?

By Patrick J. McGrath, OC, PhD, FRSC

Dr. Pat

Question:

My three-year-old son has severe behaviour problems. I don't even know where to begin. He is aggressive towards other children. He will not help clean a mess that he made. My husband and I have timed him out by sending him to his room, by putting him in a corner, and by putting him in a chair. Nothing works.

He climbs on the cupboards and the stove. He gets in the fridge and drinks pancake syrup. He yells when I take him out to a store. When I ask him to keep his voice down, the louder he gets.

I feel that people lock the doors when they see me coming.

Dr. Pat responds:

Your son sounds like a handful. You are right to be concerned. The good news is that most children like him are able to get under control.

The key for his future is to control his aggression. Two things are needed. He has to associate good behaviour with positives and learn that bad behaviour doesn't pay off.

It sounds like you have thought a lot about time-out. It will only work, though, if you build the positives.

He has to see you as a source of positives. When he is doing what he should do, pay attention to him, praise him, cuddle him. Try to find ways to make him connect being good with your attention. You will have to do this hundreds, no, thousands of times.

Use "If-then" statements: "If you help clean up the milk you spilled, then you can play with your toys." Make sure he succeeds by moving him through it. Be positive, gentle, and firm.

If he wants to go out to play but won't put on his coat, tell him and then physically help him do what he has to do.

Start with helping him as much as he needs and gradually expect him to do it more on his own.

Ignore minor misbehaviour. Choose your battles. Otherwise you will be on his back all the time. All he will get is negative feedback.

Once you tell him to do something, you should follow through. Otherwise you are teaching him to ignore you.

Teach him using a fun approach. Practice a "Loud talking" and "Quiet talking" game before going to the store. Have him figure out which is best for different times: loud talking for cheering football, quiet talking for being in a store. Practice it.

Remind him about your game before you go. Go to the store when you don't really have to. Leave immediately if he does not play the "quiet talk" game.

Try a good behaviour chart. Let him choose stickers and small rewards. Start off so he is certain to succeed. Reward him with stickers and activities he likes. Gradually raise expectations.

After you have been using these positive techniques for a month or two, the time out may work better. Keep using it even if it doesn't seem to work. You have to protect other kids from his aggression.

I have no idea what to suggest about the pancake syrup.

Take good care of yourself. Children like your son are challenging. They can wear you down. Get some time away from him. Maybe a friend or a family member can baby-sit for a weekend.

Thanks to Angela Mailman and Lindsay Gillan, coaches at Family Help, for advice on this question.

Patrick J. McGrath OC, PhD, FRSC is a clinical psychologist and a researcher. He is Professor of Psychology, Pediatrics, and Psychiatry at Dalhousie University and Vice President - Research at IWK Health Centre in Halifax. Read more "Ask Dr. Pat" columns Ask Dr. Pat a question